I want you to die.

I don’t want to have a dead grandmother, you are not only the best grandma I had but also the last grandparent. I don’t want to tell my tiny heart that you died. I don’t want her to hurt, I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to feel scared and I don’t want to be lost. I don’t want my mother or her sisters or brother to hurt.
I do want you to die. I’m sorry.
I want you to drop dead from some crazy heart attack, when no one is looking. I want you to get hit by a car when we are all tucked in. I don’t want you to die slow, slow, slow, s l o w . While we all stand around unable to help. I don’t want things to hurt worse everyday. I don’t want it to take so long that you lose who you are even more than you have. I don’t want to dread phone calls and then feel numb because it’s never the end, it’s always just the beginning of the end.
I love you, and I want you to die. What kind of a person am I?

See more progress on: Purge my soul.