Little FAT Me

I work full time and I barely have time to breathe. In 2005 hurricane Katrina rearranged my life, since then I have gained roughly 80-90 pounds. I believe that it started in depression and became an addiction. I have started and failed many diets and then decided that MAYBE if I combine diet and exercise with blogging and shopping I might be able to find success. This is the story of 2010 and my struggle to rise above addiction, pain, depression and fat.
My photo
30. Mother. Wife. Artist. Psychic (sensitive.) Writer. Singer. Rain dancer. Lover. Daughter. Sister. Child of God.

The road to MY PERSONAL goal BMI/weight!

Sunday, October 30

The next official weigh in.

This Saturday is my next official weigh in. I was suspending them, but will be picking them back up for this goal.

October Challenge: The final two.

I got a great Zumba burn yesterday with Phil & Dora, the dynamic duo of Zumba! Love! Tomorrow I am taking the kids T or Ting and that is going to be # 14 for the month. Whew – I thought it might not happen!

October Challenge: Week 4; # 2 & 3

2 – 25 Oct 11 – The Children’s Museum – we walked around for over two hours and then we walked to Subway for lunch. I don’t usually use my daily activity for a workout, but due to this week’s circumstances it had to happen.
3 – 27 Oct 11 – Gym: quick, painful, hot and sick. Had to get a workout in because I HAD to have three a week. I just can’t imagine not.

Monday, October 24

October Challenge: Week 4; # 1

Yesterday I hit the gym and whooped my own! That’s right. This month has sucked as far as catching Zumba classes. I can not wait to get back to hard core Zumba. AND with weight training Novemeber – mt birthday month – SHOULD BE AWESOME!!!!

October Challenge: Week 3; # 3

This happened Friday – last.
I elliptical-ed poorly. I mean, I burned a lot of calories, but it was hard and I was TIRED. Ugh.

Obsession

It’s scary, sad and part of my life. I have never looked like this, and I never will. I am a food addict. I willingly and seriously killed myself slowly with food. I ate and ate and ate, never able to appease the devil inside of my mind. It was a cycle, gorge without paying any attention to the things I shoved down my throat only high while the food was swallowed and then HATING myself for doing it (again.) I took my life back, I own my body, I am still sick inside myself. There is a new and equally sinister voice, it sounds like my own and it sounds like a friend. I am aware that this can kill me, just as binge eating can. I am aware that this can hurt my family. I actively work with these realities everyday. It feels like a balancing act, sometimes it is so hard and I am so tired I think, “EAT FUCKING EVERYTHING.” Then another self hisses, “EAT NOTHING. ONLY A PIG, A FOUL CREATURE NEEDS FOOD.”
I close my eyes and I think of everything I have learned and everything I know of myself, I think of the struggle and of God. I move forward.

Alternate challenges: seeking solace, drive, insanity, no time, expectations, abandoned, dying, illusion, keeping a secret, fairy tale, horror, traps, mirror, drowning, solitude, spiral

Sunday, October 23

Weekly Meeting (Wk 75)

So, I decided that I go to meetings but only weigh in every third week. This may – or may not – be shortened to every other week or put back to weekly. I am just trying to find my grove and I think that I need to find more of a normalcy to my relationship with food and the scale. Today I did weigh in at home, I weighed in at 139.2 – which was last weeks official WW weight. I went to my meeting and then I went to my aunts annual Halloween party. I was at her house for 10 hours, over which time I ate a few pieces of candy, two cupcakes, three hot dogs (two for lunch and one for dinner) and I had coffee. I did not actually track all of these things in my calorie counter. I tracked breakfast, I tracked lunch and dinner. I let myself indulge (my brain counted calories – lol) without counting them and said, “Look, two rules are don’t overkill just because you can and when you leave this party you go back to your strict routine.” It’s the first time I am trying this new mindset, I’ll keep you posted!

Friday, October 21

Words

Other possible challenges: breathe again, silence, questioning, expectations, keeping a secret, do not disturb, puzzle

Wow, oh wow!

So, as it always happens, art leads to art! How lovely.
Yeah, I started with Broken Pieces and then I did Words (picture to come) and while digging through my art(junk) cabinet I found some old drawings that are being re-worked into new art and I am counting it as this challenge as they fit here! Yay!
Art that will be coming soon: Heaven, Words, All That I Have

Broken Pieces

(It’s an awful picture because something is very wrong with my iPhone.)

I got the idea of the sketch when looking over the list. See, I keep coming to the list and getting an idea and then realizing it can count as several of the challenges. I then freeze and do nothing. Instead I decided, today, that I will give it to the challenge that first made me think of it and then list the others it cross references with!

love, break away, breathe again, no time, trouble lurking, tears, sorrow, happiness, expectations, abandoned, standing still, two roads, illusion, sacrifice, rejection, i can’t, pain, give up, all that i have, solitude

Where am I?

I feel like I lost myself years ago. I gave myself away to love and to the world. I wanted things more that I wanted to be me.
I guess everyone goes through that, but in the end you have to find yourself again.
Over the last year I have lost nearly half of my body weight, I have gotten married, I have waken up. Now, I need to find the part of me that defines ME. I am a mother and a wife – those things define my role. Inside I am an artist and I need to give that life again.

Thursday, October 20

October Challenge: Week 3; # 2

Took another Zumba class yesterday and really got to get into it for the first time in FOREVER! I am looking forward to taking this new energy to the gym! Yay! I hope to get a good elliptical in and maybe a mile!

Tuesday, October 18

Seems so little.

After all of the other work. It’s a small step in a new direction. One I am still trying to decide on… Bear with me.

This was my original goal...

then I switched it to “Lifetime” so that I could do it in order. Today, 119 pounds later, I have just gotten a meeting as receptionist. I hope to move to leader soon! Yay!

Monday, October 17

October Challenge: Week 3; # 1

Zumba, killed me – but it was a good kill. Love!

Weekly Meeting (Wk 74)

74 weeks on Weight Watchers. I believe my weight was 139.6??? Wait – I can’t find my paper. Boo. Must be in my car. Grrr. Anywho – as I see it that is “up” from my last weigh in, but still a maintain. Yay!


17 October 11

So this weekend I did not workout. I have to catch three workouts this week – I will. Monday, Zumba. Tuesday, elliptical. Wednesday, Zumba. Maybe a bike ride in there… Bigger issue is I need to feel better, get more rest. I crashed again today, lied down with a racing heart and feeling all sick-ish. Slept for two hours of the Saints game – YOU KNOW I WAS SICK!!!

Thursday, October 13

13 October 11

My hands hurt. My head kills. Blah and grrrr. I want to sleep for weeks. I want a tub of ice cream that has no calories and a long hot bath with water that never cools. I want to cry and I want to get over this.

Wednesday, October 12

12 October 11

Wheeww…
That was a sigh, a deep breath being slowly let out.
I am tired (heard that before.) I am hurting (said that before.) I feel overwhlemed (felt that before.)
Honestly I believe this to be the worst flare up I have had in about a year and a half. I need to get through it.

October Challenge: Week 2; # 3

OMG! Thank God. I forgot that today was my third workout and as I struggled through I was like NO WAY I can do this again this week!
This is it though, the next few days I am just recouping – or at least trying to! Elliptical for 30 minutes and a half mile run. I die.

Tuesday, October 11

Tuesday's Gourmet: 11 October 11

11 October 11

Ahhh. Today I went on a baby bike ride (two and a half miles) and I probably should have been happy. I was, it was lovely, but I wanted more of a burn. T hit the gym and my head has been on the fritz since. Each time I move pain and fuzzy. Grrr. I am hoping to sleep it off. Cross the fingers!

October Challenge: Week 2; # 2

Today I took my bike, had Lou on hers and we walked VERY slow so that Mavis could walk and we went to Paw Paw’s house to pick up Mavis’ scooter. Paw Paw decided to put Mavis in his bike seat and we all took a two and a half mile bike ride. Then, after cooking up some sweet potato fries and throwing together a salad for the banana I went to the gym for the first time in – like – FOREVER. It was hard, and awesome.

Monday, October 10

10 October 11

So, as of late I have not been “well” nor have I been “sick” – however as it seems this flare is here to become a real and true flare up I am going to track through it.
First off I would say I noticed it about three weeks ago, start creeping into the edges of each day. Discomfort, a teeny lick of pain, then just a vauge feeling of not great.
Yesterday I was exausted beyond, we biked litterally 8 houses and I felt as if I might pass out. Boo.
Today I have a headache, I am swollen and I am tired, so tired. I feel, kinda, like crying. That sucks. This sucks. Deep breath, keep pushing. I am sure I have been here before, and obviously I got through it. It’s just rough at this point to remember that time or imagine the next.

Saturday, October 8

October Challenge: Week 2; # 1

Seriously, it should count as one and two, but as it wasn’t broken up it’s only one. TWO hours and TWENTY minutes of straight ZUMBA!!! I am sore and I am so tired I can’t think, but I am happy!

Friday, October 7

Wednesday, October 5

The best ever!

October Challenge: Week 1; # 3

So it’s not the super hard core 600 calories an hour elliptical, and it wasn’t the hip hop infused 400 calories and hour Zumba class. It was, however, the most beautiful workout I have had in – possibly forever. Today I went for a 200, actually a less than 200 calorie a 197 calorie, bike ride. I went out to the water, in the pink setting sunshine, with an October breeze and my most amazing bike! I went with my Daddy which was nostalgic and sweet. I marveled over my new body, this body that about a year ago tried to go ride bikes with my dad and couldn’t make myself go for more that 15 minutes. This body that I have worked and trained and wanted my whole life, that can take a four mile bike ride and not even think. It was literally like walking out to then end of my drive for the mail!
None of that is what was the most amazing part. What made this the workout I will remember my whole life is that my daughter. My heart and soul learned how to ride her bike – without training wheels last Saturday and today, her second day riding, she was with me.
Mastering the mount and pedal, mastering up and down the sidewalk, mastering in and out of the grass, and KILLING the fall down and get back up!
More than all of those beautiful things, my baby, who is a Pokemon game freak and a computer whiz, was out there – four miles – next to me. Pink cheeked, deep breathing, working – striving – laughing and loving it. As we pulled up to the house she looked at me, proud and excited and said, “We should do this more often, like everyday!”
We will, maybe not everyday, but we will often! Thank you, God!

It's a Wednesday love affair.

(Me, blogging - just like I said I was gonna!)

The things I love today - and while today might not seem important it is. I am a wildly erratic Sagittarius (extreme Scorpio cusp) whose love and hate waxes and wans like the schizophrenic moon on meth. Eeep. So let's get to it!
Tea - I am on a sick, truly it's sick, sick tea kick! In fact let me show you something:Uh, that's my tea cabinet. She's a sexy bitch right? It's like, sometimes I really want to eat something (anything) (oh, hells bells, EVERYTHING) and I go, fine, fine you can have it after 16 ounces of water and a cup of hot tea. I tell you this EVERY TIME I wind up not snacking. Every time.
Here are my favs - and my new inatamate BFF:Yep, that little eletric kettle is the bomb and I love her. So much.
My fav tea is Cinnamon Stick (CS) right now, buut it's a black tea and I am already a nervous freak, so... I have to balance it. In the morning I drink one CS and then the next two are tension tamer, then back to my baby in red CS! In the evenings I cut off the CS at five and drink the Sleepytime Vanilla (SV) - Um, you don't have to remember the nick names, I wont!
Now, on to another sweet, sweet spot at this point - SWEAT SHIRTS and sweaters of pretty much any kind because if I thought I was cold at the peak of this hot as hell's ball sweat summer, you should see me shiver my timbers through the (only slightly) falling temperatures of this beautiful October! So I realized recently that I was still cold in my XXL sweat shirts but that a tight fitting thinner sweater was warm. When I voiced this observation to my banana she said that the tighter something fits the less cold can creep in with you. SO, as this is my first winter being smaller, I need a new go to sweat shirt and I found that lucky little filly.How beautiful is she? I WANT!!!!

Tuesday, October 4

Tuesday's Gourmet: 4 October 11

What can I say - today was a snack-y day. I did stay in my calories and I did eat a lot of good things! I also drank all my water PLUS. I was at roughly 180 ounces - woot!

Kindle hiatus?

This goal is on hold for a VERY happy reason. My Banana has taken over my Kindle. She isn’t a reader, so when she took an interest I spent 7.99 of my last 20 dollars to download An Interview With a Vampire so that she could read easily in the field. So I am off to add a new goal to my little list – check it!

I'm really gonna try... here's my (hopeful) plan.

I want to establish some new blog goals. Honestly, lately I have been a slacker. My weight has reached a point where caloric-ly speaking I am going to stay, I think. What I mean is that if I eat 1200 calories a day I drop weight, but the second I go to 1600-1800 which is well within (maybe even a bit lower) maintenance for me I go back up 3-5 pounds to 137-140. I have decided that may well be my bodies "natural" weight. I say "natural" because in actuality I have excess skin which I have read can weigh between 4-7 pounds, in some cases 15 - though I don't think that's me. Also, I was really upset with the wild fluctuation, at first. Then I realized that something strange was going on. Ready? When I was at 145-140 during my original weight loss I was a TIGHT size 8 in my jeans and a size 10 in my dresses. Now as I fluctuate between 135-140ish I not only am in a comfy size 7/8 in my jeans (I even have a size 6 and have tried on several size 6 pants I just didn't buy because I am not working now) BUT I just bought (because I needed) a beautiful, fitted Calvin Klein dress in a size 8, and while I was picking it out I realized that I am now a dress size 8 across the board. So, though my weight goes up my body is still getting smaller. People, lately, get all bent about my "losing too much" and "looking too thin" they think I have lost ten or so pounds over the summer and honestly i have been playing around at the same weight for months. Here's what I think - 1) I am building my core - my muscles and when they are torn and swollen the number goes up a bit. 2) My arthritis - swelling and fluid retention - the number on the scale reflects this more obviously due to the fact that I am smaller. 3) Some fluctuation is just plain NORMAL!!!
Here's the hope:
Less videos, more BLOGS!!!
Tasty Tuesdays (starting today.)
Friday 5
Football Food! (Sundays)
Through 43things.com:
Weekly Meetings (Saturday or Sunday)
Workout Updates (as always)
More health updates.
More random musing and food bitch-ness.
More visits from all those who live in my head! (Yay.)

Anyway, there is the plan and I think I can do it!

Monday, October 3

Week 72 - No weigh in.

Guys and gals, I went to Zumba in the CLUB and it was awesome this last Friday. The down side – I am not that girl, I need sleep and I was way to wasted (after being up all night and two Bloody Mary’s) to go to my meeting. I did get to my Zumba class – see that entry below!

October Challenge: Week 1; #'s 1 & 2

OMG! So Saturday our Zumba instructor intro’ed a new Pump Up The Volume class, where we basically lifted light weights and did squats and lunges! Then a half hour of Zumba. Ow.
Tonight I went to a normal Zumba and it dang near kicked my ass because I am still sore! LOVE IT!!!

Saturday, October 1

September Challenge; Week 5; # 3

Zumba last Wednesday – can you believe that I have not updated since then! Oh, well. Onward!

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