Little FAT Me

I work full time and I barely have time to breathe. In 2005 hurricane Katrina rearranged my life, since then I have gained roughly 80-90 pounds. I believe that it started in depression and became an addiction. I have started and failed many diets and then decided that MAYBE if I combine diet and exercise with blogging and shopping I might be able to find success. This is the story of 2010 and my struggle to rise above addiction, pain, depression and fat.
My photo
30. Mother. Wife. Artist. Psychic (sensitive.) Writer. Singer. Rain dancer. Lover. Daughter. Sister. Child of God.

The road to MY PERSONAL goal BMI/weight!

Monday, October 24

Obsession

It’s scary, sad and part of my life. I have never looked like this, and I never will. I am a food addict. I willingly and seriously killed myself slowly with food. I ate and ate and ate, never able to appease the devil inside of my mind. It was a cycle, gorge without paying any attention to the things I shoved down my throat only high while the food was swallowed and then HATING myself for doing it (again.) I took my life back, I own my body, I am still sick inside myself. There is a new and equally sinister voice, it sounds like my own and it sounds like a friend. I am aware that this can kill me, just as binge eating can. I am aware that this can hurt my family. I actively work with these realities everyday. It feels like a balancing act, sometimes it is so hard and I am so tired I think, “EAT FUCKING EVERYTHING.” Then another self hisses, “EAT NOTHING. ONLY A PIG, A FOUL CREATURE NEEDS FOOD.”
I close my eyes and I think of everything I have learned and everything I know of myself, I think of the struggle and of God. I move forward.

Alternate challenges: seeking solace, drive, insanity, no time, expectations, abandoned, dying, illusion, keeping a secret, fairy tale, horror, traps, mirror, drowning, solitude, spiral

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