Little FAT Me

I work full time and I barely have time to breathe. In 2005 hurricane Katrina rearranged my life, since then I have gained roughly 80-90 pounds. I believe that it started in depression and became an addiction. I have started and failed many diets and then decided that MAYBE if I combine diet and exercise with blogging and shopping I might be able to find success. This is the story of 2010 and my struggle to rise above addiction, pain, depression and fat.
My photo
30. Mother. Wife. Artist. Psychic (sensitive.) Writer. Singer. Rain dancer. Lover. Daughter. Sister. Child of God.

The road to MY PERSONAL goal BMI/weight!

Friday, October 22

How I stopped binge eating.

"I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." ~ Rita Mae Brown.

There is a food addiction in my life. I am careful to say it that way because I try not to own it, or have it as a piece of my identity. I did not always realize it was an addiction, I didn’t realize it was creeping out of hand. Then one day I couldn’t stop myself from pulling into every drive through, hiding the bags from other fast food runs and ordering three meals with three different drinks in hopes that the cashier would think I was ordering for the whole family. I had no money and yet I would pay with a credit card or delay other bills to ensure that I could binge. Sitting in my car, somewhere dark or desolate, I would eat. There was little taste as I chewed minimally and stuffed bite after bite. Somewhere after the first burger I was high – lost in a chemical whirlwind. I didn’t hurt, I didn’t think, I didn’t feel, I didn’t worry. I didn’t exist. As soon as the last bite was swallowed I would panic, finding places to toss the evidence and crying as I drove home. Disgusted and angry, not to mention feeling physically ill.
In the winter of 2007 I told my girlfriend what I had been doing. I cried and confessed with the expectation of her rejecting me and finding me as disgusting as I found myself. She cried with me and then was just like, “So now what?” The answer to that was nothing. I wasn’t ready; all of the factors that irritated the food addiction were still so much bigger than me. Emotional distress, financial uncertainty, family stress and mental imbalance are all issues that created ‘the perfect storm’ for me. I did however decide that I would not hide it from her anymore. A strange thing happened; once it was out of the dark it was weakened. Suddenly what was a daily (often twice a day) habit became a weekly, every once in a while twice weekly event. A month later I told my mother what had been going on, a few days later I told my sister, a week or so after that I told my best friends. Every time I told someone the overwhelming need and push got a bit smaller.
IN NO WAY did the addiction change or go away, just that by admitting it and owing it I gained some control. Still, for the next few years, I would binge. In May I decided I was going to Weight Watchers and working the program in a whole new way. The week before I joined I binged. I have not binged since then, I hold myself accountable and I move forward. There have been times when I was so weak and sad and I needed that escape, but because I have been being honest with everyone I just reached out for help. The longer I go, the weaker the addiction gets and the stronger my will to live and be happy gets.

Tips:

  • Do not eat in your car. (I no longer eat in my car unless I really need to. During the last five months I have eaten in my car ONCE.)
  • Be honest with SOMEONE. (If you can't even imagine coming clean to your friends or hubby or mother, find someone you can tell. It gets easier and easier to be honest with yourself when you are being honest with others. I can be found here, on Youtube and on blogger, reach out!)
  • Look deeper. (Addiction is a symptom of something bigger. Physically, mentally, emotionally - something is wrong. Working on the root will help you conquer the addiction.)
  • Identify your triggers and avoid them, if they are unavoidable make a plan of action that you can go to each and every time! (This is so important! Triggers can be fast food places, but those are obvious and easy to stay out of. Hidden triggers, such as a fight with your spouse, may have you eating before you even realize what is going on. You have to be ready for any event to cause the addiction to rear up again.)

Recovery is good.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. Thanks.

    You are so amazing at expressing yourself and I appreciate it more than you know. I know I am an emotional eater and yet I have never admitted it to anyone but myself before.

    Keep going, you are truly inspring.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just read this and I can really relate. I am a binge eater and have been struggling since 2008. I feel lost and I have been consistently losing and gaining weight for years and I really want to break the cycle. I have been researching and trying to find help and I really feel for you and your journey. Stay strong, and thank you for your wise words!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I too am a binge eater. I binge in my car or at home when my husband is gone at nights; I sneak the wrappers, packages, any evidence out to the neighbor's trash bin. I eat so much that I make myself so physically ill that it hurts to touch my stomach or lie flat on my back. I get almost high, definitely giddy, after I have convinced myself that it is okay to binge that day. But after it's over and I'm sick I feel the most profound shame, disgust and panic. Hearing your struggle and how you ultimately drew strength truly helps. I have never written my "confession" in any sort of public spectrum, regardless of anonymity. And it feels good. I have hinted to my husband before, but I honestly don't think that in his wildest dreams could my issue be to the extent that it actually is. This feels like a positive, albeit safe, step. I hope to continue to become braver. I want to reclaim my health and myself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I too am a binge eater. This is the first time I'm admitting this in any sort of public arena, regardless of anonymity. I also eat in my car, but also at home when my husband is gone at nights. I scramble to hide the packages, wrappers, bags and receipts by throwing it all away immediately in the neighbor's trash bin. I have tried to hint to my husband, jokingly mention hiding food, but I don't think in his wildest dreams does he have any idea the scope of this issue. I eat so much it hurts to touch my stomach or lie flat on my back. I get high and giddy after my mind has performed some serious mental gymnastics and I have justified bingeing for that day. I obsess over what and where I'm going to eat. How much time I will have alone to do it. And then when it's all over and I'm no longer giddy or even numb, I am profoundly ashamed, disgusted and panicked. So thank you for sharing your story. I am taking your advice. Admitting it here seems like a positive, albeit safe, space. And it is my hope to get braver. I want to reclaim my health and myself. Thanks for listening.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just made a blog post admitting my style of binge eating today and then did a search for helpful ways to stop doing it. I found this post and am really surprised at how similar my binge eating is to not only your post but even the comments. We don't binge on the same things but the "atmosphere" is the same. I've made the decision to say "No, I don't do that," as my first line of defense, and just wondered how it was for others. So glad to find your post. Here is a link to my own post today: http://cureprediabetes.blogspot.com/2013/05/anatomy-and-affects-of-my-binge-eating.html Thank you so much for your openness. If you know of any other free resources, I'd sure like to know about them. Blessings.... Marcia

    ReplyDelete

Sorry, I started moderating comments due to spammers - please don't let this discourage you! I love to get and respond to comments!

Youtube.com Contest!

There was an error in this gadget

Blog Archive

Followers