Little FAT Me

I work full time and I barely have time to breathe. In 2005 hurricane Katrina rearranged my life, since then I have gained roughly 80-90 pounds. I believe that it started in depression and became an addiction. I have started and failed many diets and then decided that MAYBE if I combine diet and exercise with blogging and shopping I might be able to find success. This is the story of 2010 and my struggle to rise above addiction, pain, depression and fat.
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30. Mother. Wife. Artist. Psychic (sensitive.) Writer. Singer. Rain dancer. Lover. Daughter. Sister. Child of God.

The road to MY PERSONAL goal BMI/weight!

Monday, July 12

"Like that pig is actually hungry!"

I dated a girl who I was just enamored with. We were best friends. We did everything together. To me, she was beautiful. To her, I realize now, I was convenient. It’s not to say she didn’t care for me, I am sure she did in her own way. She didn’t see me, she didn’t know me. That didn’t matter to me, at the time.
From time to time we would take a break from the solitary confinement of the bed or our card games and we would go out to eat. Chinese, mostly. She always liked to eat Chinese food. If I picked, and I rarely did, we would hit a local diner. I love breakfast food at any time in the day! It didn’t matter where we went the meal would go the same way. I would be thrilled to go anywhere and she would drive, we would arrive and take our seats. Waitress comes; her – beer, me – water. Drinks arrive and orders are placed. Then while we wait the conversation rolls from later that night, the next night’s plans, the show we watched, the movies we wanted to see… Suddenly, she gasps! Always, inevitably the gasp. “Oh, my God!”
“What?” I fain confusion, knowing what is coming.
“There is a woman behind you eating and she shouldn’t be!” She would start. “Oh, she can’t be hungry look at her. Disgusting. Pigs should not eat in public; she should not eat in public.”
So many times those women or girls were either my size or smaller than me by five to ten pounds. Sometimes they were larger, not by much. When my food came I would push it around my plate, pick at the bits and then wistfully push away my barely touch meal. “I’m so full.” I would smile, unsure if she meant to discourage me from eating or if she really didn’t see the connection.
Years later, on a lovely date with my partner, I came down to tears over eating in public. I couldn’t be comfortable. No matter what she said in my head there were people there pointing me out to their dates. People swearing that my eating food in front of them was ruining their dinner. I tell myself when I am thinner I will enjoy eating out, I actually feel I have gotten better. Next time we go to sushi I want to sit at the bar and be okay, I want to order everything I want and not care. I know it will probably take a while and I doubt that just losing weight will make that voice go away.
I am working on it.

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